Oh hi there, have we met before?
In case we haven’t met, here’s the short version of who I am: I’m a country-living, ice tea drinking, good book reading, farming, ranching, Jesus-loving, curly-headed wife of a seminary professor. He’s a teacher, I’m a writer. He’s a thinker, I’m a graphic designer. You can get to know me a little better here.
I have a story that is hard for me to share. You have those stories, right? The kind of stories that require the most delicate of words to express our inward heart screams? The kind of stories that, though they reveal our biggest weakness, telling it makes us stronger?
I denied my story for a long time. For two years I hid behind a brave face, dodging questions and stifling my own misery. Pretending I was okay, when in fact my heart was breaking. Pretending I didn’t question Providence, when in fact I was so angry with God that I could feel my anger raging within me.
That anger slowly, powerfully made its way to the surface. Anger and bitterness is pervasive, isn’t it? While I fervently denied it, my actions, my words revealed how desperately anger and bitter I was. And I was forced to face the gut-wrenching reality: that my heart barren empty, just like my baby-less womb.
My story, like Kelly’s, is the story of a baby-less mama. My husband and I are wading through the muddy, painful waters of unexplained infertility.
Last November, when the burden was finally to great to carry alone, I wrote.
I wrote a letter to our friends and family explaining why we do not have children. I wrote a Frequently Asked Questions for our friends, and shared it on facebook, setting clear boundaries about what I am and am not willing to talk about. And I started writing our story on my blog.
And it was in November that the burden, that weighty, crushing burden, was finally lifted. And I felt the prayers and thoughts of friends and family and strangers. That sweet, unseen feeling of companionship and camaraderie – knowing I am not alone, I am not forgotten, I am not abandoned.
Perhaps you can relate to my story. After all, my story is one of loss and heartache – a universal story, with unique and individualized chapters, really.
If you can relate, please know this: you do not have to hide behind the pain any longer. Your story is meant to be told. It is meant to be shared. It is meant to be read. Sharing our stories brings healing to our hearts, and hope to those who read it. That is why our stories need to be told.
I owe a debt of gratitude to Kelly and others who have paved the way for me to share my story. Reading their stories of infertility stirred something within my heart, giving me courage to follow in their footsteps and begin the painful, but freeing process of sharing my own story.
What story are you going to tell?
Mary Beth|Cupcakes and Crinoline says
Thank you for sharing your story ~ I know it will be so very helpful to many.
~hugs, Mary Beth~
Amanda {at} Royal Daughter Designs says
Thank you so much Mary Beth. I really, truly appreciate your encouragement – and I certainly hope you’re right! Have a great weekend!
High Heeled Life says
You are stronger than you know and you are making a difference in the world. Life has a way of giving us what need – to help ourselves and others. You will be mother, perhaps not in the way you have expected – but it will be in a way that is filled with love and warmth greater than you could have imagined. God has a plan for us all that is magical and beautiful, though sometimes we can not see (or understand) the purpose of pain we feel … remember HE truly does not give us more than we can handle ~ and only HE knows how strong we really are.
Life has thrown many curves my way … but I’m learning for the first time (I think) in my life to not question – but to be happy with the life I have been given. After my accident I was told I could not carry a child … this has been difficult news for my hubby and me – but I know somehow I will be a mother , it just will not be in the way I had wanted/thought/ expected. I’m learning to be a mother one does not need to give birth – but be willing to give of herself to those in need of guidance, love, caring and hope.
Sharing your story will be a great inspiration to many .. YOU are going to be amazing!! Hugs and Blessings …xo C. (HHL)
Amanda {at} Royal Daughter Designs says
Hi Celia. I can’t tell you how much your comment encourages me. There is so much comfort in knowing we are not alone in our struggles. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through since that accident. Thank you for encouraging me with your kind words. It is true, motherhood is not always born in the womb. 🙂
Samantha says
Not only is it helpful to ourselves to share our stories, but it helps others cope. Keep talking – if we don’t help each other, who will?