Today was a hard day for me. I’m not sure how these emotions seem to find their way to the surface, but today they did. If you’ve been around here for awhile now, you’d know that I fight the good fight of infertility. If you’re new to LLR, you can catch up by reading my post, Not Quite Yet // A Prayer to be a Mommy. Some days are so much harder than others — like those when a friend is announcing their pregnant for their third or fourth child. I usually take a deep breath, shake my head and ask the Lord, “Why?” Why are some families blessed with two, three, four or more children and others (like myself) may never have one. Sometimes it feels like an awful joke! For some reason, back to school days can be tough, along with some of the other major holidays.
It may seem silly to some, but it’s true. I usually try to guard my a heart a bit more on these days. I attempt not to look at my Facebook or Instagram feed too much, knowing I usually succumb to the emotions. When I see all the cuties going back to school, I’m always smiling and shocked as to how some of them are growing up so fast. However, there’s another part of my heart and soul that aches. The part that is reminded that I may never get to take those back to school pictures or pack those fun creative lunches. I shed a few tears, reach out to a few of my friends that understand my journey and ask for their prayers. I try to stay busy and step away from my computer or phone. However, I don’t just feel sad, I often feel guilty too. I feel bad that I become sad (and sometimes even angry) over someone else’s exciting new/events. I guess it’s the nature of being human.
These posts seem to be the hardest for me to write, showing my vulnerable side. Talking about something that’s not so happy-happy-joy-joy. In the past, when I have shared some of our journey, many of you were my Barnabas* (encouragers). I also learned that many of you face or have faced infertility as well. I was overwhelmed with the e-mails and knew that in sharing my journey some lives were touched. Most of the time it is a silent battle, but I felt it was time to share again. If you face infertility, you’re not alone and these emotions of sadness and even anger are common and healthy. I always feel better after a good cry, a long walk or a conversation with friends and family. The reality is, I usually cry anytime I talk about my journey {face palm}. At a recent conference someone asked me about it and I wept. It’s so terribly difficult to understand the emotions if you haven’t walked in my shoes.
I remember one time speaking to my therapist about the emotions that seem to come and go when facing infertility. I told her that I’m at peace with the decisions my husband and I have made in not pursuing additional medical treatments and/or adoption, I’m just not sure that I’ll ever be at peace knowing I may never hear a child call me mom. She seemed to understand exactly what I was saying. Of course I don’t want to go through life “mourning” per say, but on days like today I feel like that’s what I’m doing… feeling a great sorrow for something that’s not within reach.
Next year I turn 40 and I see my hopes and dreams of parenting drifting further out of sight. It’s so incredibly difficult, but I have to trust the Lord. A friend reminded me of a powerful scripture verse earlier today: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Yes, I had a rough day, but I know in my heart of hearts that God does have a perfect plan for me. It may not include being a mom, but I will continue to put my complete trust in Him and believe that He will see me through these difficult days and fill me with a peace that surpasses all understanding and turn my mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11), no matter the outcome. I pray the same for each of you.
Would you continue to pray for me, sweet friends? If you are a parent, would you consider saying a prayer for those of us who face infertility during back to school days and other holidays?
Please be thoughtful in your comments and know that we have considered every possible avenue (adoption, foster parenting, etc) and underwent an IVF procedure. These are very personal and difficult decisions to make. I know that when friends, family, readers make a suggestion, you’re all doing it with good intentions, but that’s not what this post is about. It was about sharing from my heart and asking for your prayers — not solutions.
With much love and appreciation,
Amanda {A Royal Daughter} says
I have been praying for you all afternoon. This journey is a difficult one to walk, and my heart hurts with yours tonight. I wish there was more I could do to help you through the hard days, but I know our God is able, and He is with us in our sorrow.
Kelly Rowe says
Thanks so much, Amanda! It is an incredibly difficult journey and I know we’re never given more than we can bear, but some days are so much more difficult than others. On days like today I feel weak, but I know it’s the sincerity of my hearts desire crying out. Thank you for your prayers. xxoo
Sarah @ Becoming Martha says
xoxo Kelly! I know this was tough for you to share, but your friend is right – God does know the plans he has for you, and there must be some reason for your life to follow this path. You are strong and amazing and I am so glad to have met you! Take care my friend and I will be praying for peace for you 🙂
Kelly Rowe says
Sweet Sarah! These posts KILL me… I guess some of it is pride. I’m always overwhelmed with gratitude when my bloggy friends and readers show such love and support. Thank you so very much for your prayers. I’m grateful to call you friend. HUGS!!
Michelle says
Kelly,
You are such an amazing person and meeting you last year was definitely a highlight. I will keep you in my prayers every day and night.
HUGS, hugs and more hugs,
Michelle
Kelly Rowe says
Michelle, you are too kind. I loved meeting you last year as well! I truly appreciate (and covet) your prayers. Hugs right back at ya!!
Kristine says
I LOVE YOU SIS!! …and continue to believe and pray with you for God’s perfect will. I’m proud of you for sharing your heart! You’re such a blessing! I often cling to that scripture in Jeremiah that you mentioned. POWERFUL words. ~MUAH~
Kelly Rowe says
THANKS, sis!! So blessed to have you close by for some extra hugs on days where I’m feeling a little blue. Thanks for your prayers too. I know we all have our own crosses to bear, but I’m glad that we have each other to encourage along the way. LOVE YOU!!
Susan @SugarBeans says
Thanks for sharing your heart. Prayers are coming your way.
Blessings,
xox
Kelly Rowe says
Thank you, Susan!! Prayers are always greatly appreciated. xo
Melissa@TheHappierHomemaker says
Oh Kelly, I’ve been reading your blog for so long and I had no idea, I must have missed your other posts. I will pray for you from here on out that God will provide you with comfort no matter what the outcome. Take care,
Melissa
Kelly Rowe says
Thanks so much, Melissa! I don’t bring it up all that often, so it’s easy to miss. It truly is very hard to talk about and I hate to be a Debbie Downer. However, it is a very real and often difficult part of my journey. I appreciate you prayers. Hugs.
Rhiannon Metzger says
Will keep you in prayer as I know all too well the emotions you speak of. I think all of us who are/have been on the path of infertility have felt the same way. Some of us are just not as brave as you to share these feelings. If I had read someone elses open and honest emotions you have shared I would of felt ‘normal’ and encouraged. 🙂
Rhonda Kueck says
I have recently started following your blog. I prayed for you before I typed this and will add you to my daily list. You may never know how many hearts you touched today with your honest words and emotions.
Ashley says
It’s so encouraging to me to see your strength Kelly! Some days it is just plain hard to trust in God and not rely on ourselves. You are a great example of a true woman and I will definitely be praying for you! HUGS!
Alissa says
Sweet friend! I know I don’t know fully what you’re going through but you mean so much to me and I know this struggle is so real in your life. Praying for continue comfort and guidance today. Sending you hugs today friend. Know you are loved.
Jenn LaMountain says
Warm thoughts headed your way.
Meredith @ Wait Til Your Father Gets Home says
I will always think of you now when I see those sweet back to school pictures. Thank you for being so honest! BIG HUGS for you and prayers, xoxox
Nancy at maddalee says
((hugs))
Sharon Kuert says
My dear sweet Kelly, it takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength to share from your heart like you have! You know that Dad and I pray daily for you. We serve a mighty God Kelly. We love you very much. Bunches of hugs and kisses!
Rachel @ Architecture of a Mom says
Kelly, thanks so much for sharing your heart! You are in my prayers tonight, and I hope the burden is a little lighter in the morning. God is with you! I hope you know that you are a blessing and encouragement to me, good times posts and bad. ((Hugs!))
mary kathryn says
Fairly new to your blog, and I’m so sorry you have this struggle and grief in your life. May God give you comfort and somehow ease the burden. It seems to me you have the heart — the love — of a mother, and I’m sure you shower this on the children you know and who come in contact with you. Some of them are desperately needy for motherly love. May God use you to fill their needs. He promises us in the Bible that He will make up to us “the years that the locust have eaten.” For different people, those eaten, wasted years look different. May God somehow fill your heart with all that seems lacking.
Laura @ Cookiecrumbs and Sawdust.blogspot.com says
Kelly,
We struggled with infertility too. So, all I want to say is, I’ve been there too, and sometimes it just stinks! Just want to send some hug vibes your way.
L
Keri says
I lost an infant when she was a month old and then struggled with infertility for years after. It’s too late and too expensive for me now, so I am struggling with some of the same sorrows and resentments you have (I have a cousin with 9 children… and I can’t even have one?) Sigh. I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing.
Angela says
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I’m praying for you…I mean it! I love that you’re sharing your story and I know that you’re encouraging other women who are experiencing the same thing.
Meredith & Gwyneth, The New Yorkie says
Kelly –
Gwyneth and I are praying without ceasing for you! You are the kind of friend who we think is too precious to ever have to struggle, and we are so sorry that you’ve had a difficult journey. We admire you for so many reasons, and your courage and honesty here tops the list. Big hugs and lots of love from San Francisco.
xoxo,
Meredith & Gwyneth
capturing joy with kristen duke says
Hugs to you my sweet friend! I love reading about your heart, you have such insight in honoring God’s plan for you–though it may be hard. Just know that you are “mothering” your friends all over the world through this blog, you are teaching and guiding others to find happiness with whatever is thrown at them. You are showing your humanity by expressing sadness and anger, and teaching others that that’s ok, too! Thank you for teaching me, too.
Sarah says
Hang in there Kelly, remember to tie a knot if you need to!!!! Praying for your complete healing.
love ya
me
Molly says
Hi,
Found your blog through Pleated Poppy’s WIWW.
I just wanted to let you know I struggled for many years with Infertility. My husband and I did treatments up to IUI/injectibles, then stopped short of IVF. I was 40 and feared I would never be a parent. I know the feelings you are feeling. We gave up after I had to have a hysterectomy op for 3 years. Felt at peace with our decision. I was 45 when we adopted our daughters from foster care. They were 4 and 6. We did not intend on adopting older kids but we met them and knew they were our kids. They have ADHD and my younger daughter is special needs. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. That’s my story and adopting is not for everyone. What I wanted to say is we wanted to try domestic (had a situation of friend of friend and mom decided to parent), we wanted to try international (countries we were interested in shut their adoption programs) and finally our friends adopted foster to adopt and we decided to try the same process. It went quickly and in a year we were parents. Don’t lose hope and know that you are right, the Lord will open the doors for you to whatever his plan is. Hang in there, I know how hard it is, and I know how you are feeling and I know how hard the days are. Sometimes you have to step outside of what you feel you want and look at things differently. I would never have chosen foster to adopt, and it is a hard road, but 5 yrs later, I can’t imagine my girls in my life. They are hard, it is hard, but I wouldn’t change it. Take care.
Laura@FoodSnobSTL says
It takes a lot of bravery to be so honest and open in a space like this. I really admire you for that. You are right, so many suffer in silence, and I know that you are helping to comfort others in writing this. I haven’t stopped thinking about you and our conversation at FMF. Your family is a constant on my heart and in my prayers. I know it may not be apparent to you, but you are glorifying God in this process, which isn’t easy to do. Your story has forever touched my life. Giving you a huge cyber hug!
Melissa @ My Recent Favorite books says
Im sending prayers and hugs Kelly!
You are a inspiration to others with your honesty and Faith.
TidyMom says
oh Kelly, I hate to hear when you are having such a hard day!!xoxoxoxo sending extra prayers your way, my friend.
Randi - Dukes and Duchesses says
Kelly, I cried reading that post. I suspected you might have struggled with infertility but wasn’t sure. I have many friends on your path and it’s hard to watch … there’s a guilt on the other side as well that having children comes easily to some and is so difficult for others. I’ve never thought about back to school being a hard time though … I’m so glad you mentioned it so I can be more sensitive to others. Please know that I’ll be praying for you, Kelly.
Liz Fourez says
Kelly, I just wanted to let you know that your in my thoughts and prayers, and I’m sending GIANT virtual hugs your way! Thank you for sharing something so close to your heart. You are very brave! : )
Liz says
Kelly, it’s not the end of life. I hope that comment wasn’t too strong for you. I, too, couldn’t have kids, but I survived. I will pray for you. Give life another chance and think more positively. If it doesn’t happen, I know there are other things you can do to get involved with kids. For now – keep your chin up and relax more.
Kelly says
Thank you, Liz. Please know that I’m by no means insinuating that my infertility is the ‘end of life.’ I live a very fulfilling life and I’m very happy. I was simply sharing from my heart about something that is often painful and difficult.
Claire @ A Little Claireification says
I am just reading this, my friend. I am writing my own “hard” post and it’s nothing compared to this. It just stops me in my tracks.
I love your sweet, caring heart and I am so sorry that – in the midst of our silly blog talk, etc. – I never once asked how you were doing. I am so very sorry for that.
Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses of all time.
For real, you are an inspiration to me and so many others.
Prayers for you each and every day – that is my promise.
xoxo
Michelle says
Kelly,
God Bless and I hope the days get easier for you. Even though I do have children, twins in fact, they are grown now and I do mourn for the days when they were young and still around. I can’t even imagine the hurt you feel right now. I wish I could take some of that hurt off of your shoulders and carry it on mine for awhile….
Peace my friend,
~m
Noni says
Hi Kelly, I feel your pain, I know so many women that struggle. I know you said you don’t want solutions, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but have you ever tried cutting EVERYTHING out of your diet that isn’t natural? Alot of times infertility is caused by hormones that are out of whack and the things that cause hormone imbalances are from the foods we eat. I know 3 friends that changed their diets for at least 3 months and all 3 became pregnant. I am not trying to sound like I know it all or an expert, it just makes my heart ache when I hear that you have had such a struggle. Look into it, you have nothing to lose, maybe just some weight and thats always nice, right?! Blessings….
Jessica @ Dear Emmeline says
Thank you so much Kelly for being brave enough to share your heart. I pray for God’s peace to continually fill your spirit. hugs. I know it won’t make your journey easier and I’m sure you already do this so continue hugging and loving on all the little kiddos who ARE in your life. Your love may be such a blessing to them!
Nancy@ThereIsGrace says
Oh, sweet friend. I’m so sorry for the rough days. Know that God is holding your precious heart and every sweet tear. Love the verse you shared (Psalm 30:11). Sending ((((HUGS))) to you from far away, hoping to hug your neck in person soon! Love you, girl!