1) Adoption is not just an adoption. It’s a lifelong journey! And with every adoption that will bring one family a great deal of joy — it leaves another with a great deal of loss.
2) We were introduced (by video) to Dr. Karyn Purvis. Emphasis is on Connecting, Empowering and Correcting. Can I just say that this one hour video was AMAZING. Dr. Purvis is godly and has so many great thoughts and methods to nurturing and mentoring a child coming from troubled backgrounds, another country, or one with special behavioral or emotional needs. She co-authored the book The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family
. We bought a copy to start reading. Seriously, this book is highly recommended not only for adoptive parents, but for families wanting to correct and connect with their own children.
3) We as the adoptive parents (and extended family) must see the child through eyes of compassion. At first I thought that was an obvious statement, but I am a very compassionate person. There are a lot of people who struggle with seeing this child for who they are and where they’ve come from.
4) The birth mom. Most of the Bethany’s adoptions take place as a result of the birth mom’s decision. The father is usually non-existent. They had a panel of birth moms there and it was thee most emotional 30 minutes. Steve and I had been talking a great deal about an ‘open’ adoption. I was more receptive to it than Steve, but this panel completely revolutionized our thinking. We listened to one mom who was once able to send letters to the adoptive parents. One day, however, she was notified through the agency that they no longer wanted her to send them to the house — everything had to be held at the agency. They basically didn’t want to hear from her any more. This mother, we’ll call her Sue, was heart broken. She wept at the loss of that communication and expressed how unfair that was to her. One thing she said was that she didn’t want her child to think that she (as her birth mom) didn’t love her. I think we see and hear stories where birth moms have a change of heart, etc. However, that is the exception, most birth moms simply want to know their child is well, how their grades are, what sports they’re interested in, etc. We think it all ends at the hospital, when the majority of them are attending support groups once a month to talk through their grief, emotions, and pain. It was an extremely moving session that truly transformed our selfish thinking. This is isn’t just about us. Most importantly, it made me think that someone bigger has His hand on this entire situation — GOD! I believe God is a part of the birth moms decision to give up her baby and to whom she entrusts her baby… whether she realizes that or not, I do.
5) The Graelers. A couple who shared their adoption journey… There was a sincerity in them that gripped my heart. They faced a great deal of the same journey Steve and I are facing. I was able to speak with them briefly and exchange contact information. I (embarrassingly) cried in sharing with them how alone I feel as so many people can’t understand the emotional roller coaster ride this is. I believe we will find kindred spirits in the Graelers and meeting them was a divine appointment orchestrated by God.
6) The biracial adoption was talked about in great length. I have to be honest, they said some things in this session that I never would have thought about. They had a video with diverse families who shared the struggles that they face with racism and not being viewed as a family due to the different color of skin and so forth. I am not a racist whatsoever, but there will be challenges taking this path and Bethany wanted everyone there to know the good and the bad of what adoptive parents and the child/children might face (if they’re open to a biracial adoption). Excellent session!!
7) Our wait could be as long as 4-5 years. This was discouraging…
8) We’re partnering with Bethany throughout this journey — and we will not be left along to face any of the ups and downs. A number of the stories shared had at least one or two placements fall through before they had a successful placement. This is hard to think about.
9) Based on Bethany’s statistics, a lot of the birth moms have little to no prenatal care, and a lot of the babies have been exposed to tobacco, alcohol and/or drugs. Again, not something we expected to hear…
10) Emotions are healthy! This is one area I do not lack in, but it felt good (and it was a bit of a relief) to hear that it’s healthy and okay. There are days where you think you just might be a little crazy… well, the good news is I’m not {smile}.
So, there were some of the impressionable pieces of the day. There is so much more, but I wanted to share just a few with you. Where does that leave us? Well, Steve and I are still trying to ‘commit’ to what we believe is God’s best for us — we are prayerfully considering an embryo adoption first through the NEDC out of Knoxville, TN. With success, I would become pregnant. Without success, we would then pursue the domestic adoption. Everything costs a great deal of money and we want to use wisdom. I have cried many tears wishing the Lord would simply write His will, for our journey, on the wall. That would truly alleviate the confusion and torment of ‘what to do’… I know that God is not a God of confusion, but in these circumstances, it is so difficult to just know what is best.
I can’t say it enough — we covet your prayers. I would ask that you pray specifically for peace, clarity, wisdom and financing. Thank you for following our journey. While I know this is a rocky road, I know that the Lord will use us to bless and encourage others.
p.s. – I apologize for the length of this post. I wanted to share as much as I could (and from the heart).
Taylor Shaye Bedding says
Kelly this is such a beautiful note. I love the idea of the embryo adoption!! I have never though of this but Jason and I always wondered what happened to the extra embryos. We are so excited for you guys what ever you chose!!!
Love Rene and Jason
mommy to Bella says
Kelly, I was so moved by this. This sounds like such a wonderful session. A lot of what they talked about are things that I have had to learn on my own since I was not required to attend any sort of informational session prior to the adoption of my daughter who is biracial. It is not just race that unfortunately sometimes becomes an issue. It is so much more. So much that you never expect. My daughter is so much more than I expected her to ever be. My thoughts are sometimes consumed by my love and desire for her to just be happy and healthy. She likes to talk about her birth mother and I feel sad but I let her do it because she needs to. Sometimes I grieve for the loss her birth mother experienced but also for the loss of not ever carrying her in my tummy and for not being there her first years of her life. These are emotions that I never expected on my journey. My journey of love. Good Luck Kelly and Steve!
Heather Kuenzli
Anna says
God bless you, Kelly. The Barreto family continues to pray for you and your husband. Love, Anna
Kelly says
Thank you, ladies! I truly write these adoption posts from the heart (and usually with a tear in my eye). We appreciate your kind words and prayers! Blessings to each of you!
The Rowes